Last modified: January 12, 1997
| Acura Integra | - I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars |
| Acura Legend | - I'm too bland for German cars |
| Acura NSX | - I am impotent |
| Audi 90 | - I enjoy putting out engine fires |
| Buick Park Avenue | - I am older than 34 of the 50 states |
| Cadillac Eldorado | - I am a very good Mary Kay salesman |
| Cadillac Seville | - I am a pimp |
| Chevrolet Camaro | - I enjoy beating the hell out of people |
| Chevrolet Chevette | - I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette |
| Chevrolet Corvette | - I'm in a mid-life crisis |
| Chevrolet El Camino | - I am leading a militia to overthrow the government |
| Chrysler Cordoba | - I dig the rich Corinthian leather |
| Datsun 280Z | - I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well |
| Dodge Dart | - I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower |
| Dodge Daytona | - I delivered pizza for four years to get this car |
| Ford Fairmont | - (See Dodge Dart) |
| Ford Mustang | - I slow down to 85 in school zones |
| Ford Crown Victoria | - I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them |
| Geo Storm | - I will start the 11th grade in the fall. |
| Geo Tracker | - I will start the 12th grade in the fall. |
| Honda del Sol | - I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all |
| Honda Civic | - I have just graduated and have no credit |
| Honda Accord | - I lack any originality and am basically a lemming |
| Infiniti Q45 | - I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending |
| Isuzu Impulse | - I do not give a damn about J.D. Power or his reports |
| Jaguar XJ6 | - I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year. |
| Kia Sephia | - I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp |
| Lamborghini Countach | - I only have one testicle |
| Lincoln Town Car | - I live for bingo and covered dish suppers |
| Mercury Grand Marquis | - (See above) |
| Mercedes 500SL | - I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph |
| Mercedes 560SEL | - I have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole |
| Mazda Miata | - I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler |
| MGB | - I am dating a mechanic |
| Mitsubishi Diamante | - I don't know what it means either |
| Nissan 300ZX | - I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings. |
| Oldsmobile Cutlass | - I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts |
| Peugeot 505 Diesel | - I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List |
| Plymouth Neon | - I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena |
| Pontiac Trans AM | - I have a switchblade in my sock |
| Porsche 911 Turbo | - I have a three inch thingie |
| Porsche 944 | - I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me |
| Saturn SC2 | - (See Honda Civic) |
| Subaru Legacy | - I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than Isuzu |
| Toyota Camry | - I am still in the closet |
| Volkswagon Beetle | - I still watch Partridge Family reruns |
| Volkswagon Cabriolet | - I am out of the closet |
| Volkswagon Microbus | - I am tripping right now |
| Volvo 740 Wagon | - I am frightened of my wife |
Last modified: January 12, 1997