YOU MIGHT BE A REPUBLICAN IF...

• You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.
• You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two"
• You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
• You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend"
• You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.
• You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
• You think Huey Newton is a cookie.
• The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you.
• You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.
• You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.
• You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."
• You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
• You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."
• You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school."
• You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie."
• You answer to "The Man."
• You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
• You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."
• You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."
• You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."
• When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."
• You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."
• You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
• You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.
• Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.
• You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.
• You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.
• You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."
• You've ever called education a luxury.
• You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
• You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.
• You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.
• You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.
• You're afraid of the liberal media."
• You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."
• You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."
• You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.
• You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

Last modified: June 14, 1996