You might be a Redneck if ...

• The day after Halloween you go around town collecting toilet paper.
• You've ever put a six-pack in a casket right before they closed it.
• Your family's No. 1 enemy is revenuers.
• You bought your house at a hail sale.
• Your belt buckle doubles as a serving platter.
• You stare at a can of frozen orange juice because it says "concentrate."
• You use lava soap more than three times a day.
• You own a pair of home-made lizard skin boots.
• When you see a sign that says "Say No To Crack," it reminds you to pull your jeans up.
• Your wife has a Jell-O mold that looks like Elvis.
• You have more tattoos than teeth.
• You wear cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.
• You have a hook in your shower to hang your hat on.
• You've ever been the third through the bathwater.
• You've never heard a toilet flush.
• You buy your wife tube socks at the flea market.
• You don't have a home phone.
• You consider orange peels left on the coffee table as potpourri.
• Wildlife has ever tried to mate with your clothes.
• The family business is called Hubcap City.
• You grow flowers in an old commode in your front yard.
• You can't take a bath because beer is iced down in your tub.
• Your kitchen doubles as a bait store.
• Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
• You've ever picked up a woman in a convenience store.
• You throw a beer can out the truck window and your wife shoots it.
• You've ever fed your date french fries in a Denny's.
• Going to the laundromat means cleaning out the back of the truck.
• You've ever eaten so much your bra hurt you.
• Your family reunion features a chewing tobacco spit-off.

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Last modified: October 7, 1996