You might be a Redneck if ...

• Everyone in the house learns something from the potty training videotape.
• You missed high school graduation because your kids were sick.
• You've ever used a laundromat as a mailing address.
• You've ever given yourself a social disease.
• You've ever freshened up with a Slim Jim.
• On stag night, you take a real deer.
• You use a screwdriver to open your chewing tobacco.
• All of your relatives would have to die to wipe out illiteracy.
• There is more oil in your baseball cap than in your car.
• The man from the power company threatens to cut off your service, and you threaten to cut off something of his in return.
• Your birth announcements included the words "rug rat."
• You've ever water-skied in your underwear.
• You pick your nose in line at the bank.
• You have a tennis ball on your truck antenna.
• People hear your car a long time before they see it.
• There are engine parts on your coffee table.
• You've ever been on television not wearing a shirt.
• You have a feed store nightgown.
• You've ever backed down an exit ramp.
• Your arms are hairless from checking your knife's sharpness.
• Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
• You use a piece of bread as a napkin.
• Your dog passes gas and you claim it.
• The police regularly come to your house to break up a fight, and you live alone.
• You've ever hitchhiked naked.
• The highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
• You trim your beard and find a french fry.
• The biggest sign on your place of business says "Minnows!"
• Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
• It's midnight and everyone on your street knows what album your're playing.
• Stealing road signs is a family outing.
• You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
• You've ever changed the numbers on your house so the police can't find you.
• You have an above ground pool and you fish in it.
• Your bathroom deodorizer is a box of kitchen matches.
• An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
• You think "Megabytes" means a good day fishing.
• You've ever picked up a woman in a convenience store.
• Your deer stand has an address.
• You have more things with Hank Williams Jr.'s name on them than your own.
• You think a lavatory is a breed of dog.
• You've ever taken a date flowers you stole from a cemetery.
• You've ever relieved yourself from a moving vehicle.
• You use old auto parts as a boat anchor.
• You use old auto parts as a mailbox post.
• Your pickup truck and your wife are the same age.
• Your favorite cologne is Deep Woods Off.
• You've ever given livestock as a wedding present.
• You think safe sex means putting on the emergency brake.
• People hear your car a long time before they see it.
• Your 23-channel CB radio is used to communicate with your family.
• Your bridal veil was made of window screen.
• You call your boss "dude."
• You repaint your pink flamingo every spring... but not your house.
• You have ever carried leftovers home in your handbag.
• You think an oil change involves a comb and bottle of Vitalis.
• You whistle to get the attention of your waiter or waitress.
• Your college graduation ceremony includes parallel parking an 18-wheeler.
• You think ribs come from Europe.
• Your toothbrush is a hand-me-down.

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Last modified: November 26, 1997