You might be a Redneck if ...

• The tires on your car don't fit under your fenders.
• You think A-1 Sauce tastes great on 'possum.
• You think the traffic sign "Merge" is a personal challenge.
• You burn trash in your Subday clothes.
• You have fake fur on your dashboard.
• You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
• Nobody can rebuild an engine like mama.
• You consider a spotlight hunting equipment.
• Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
• You stockpile motor oil.
• Your favorite cologne is Blue Tick Hound.
• You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
• You've ever had sex while wearing work gloves.
• Your dog drinks from the toilet and you don't care.
• Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes three relatives to figure out how to fix it.
• You call the operator to get the number for 911.
• Your car alarm eats dog food.
• You're considered an expert on worm beds.
• You leave everything in your will to your mule.
• You make wind chimes out of frozen orange juice lids.
• You own a pair of knee-high moccasins.
• You drew "horns" on your new bride in your wedding pictures.
• You have a beer can crusher mounted on the dashboard of your car.
• You haul more than U-Haul.
• You buy a police scanner to keep up with your relatives.
• You showed up drunk for your D.U.I hearing.
• You pick your teeth from a catalog.
• You have a black eye and a hickey at the same time.
• You've ever made love on top of a dog house.
• You think Long John Silver is formal underware.
• When paying for beer, spare pistol shells fall out of your pocket.
• You're not actually able to read The Richard Petty Story, but you sure do like to look at the pictures.
• You've ever had to appear in court because of your dogs.
• The front license plate of your car has the words "Foxy Lady" written in airbrush.
• Your checks feature pictures of dogs fighting.
• Any of your honeymoon plans involve a deer camp.
• All your favorite shirts came with a two-pack purchase of cigarettes.
• You have a hook in your shower to hang your hat on.
• You have ever tried to use food stamps to mail a watermelon.
• You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
• You refer to your beer gut as "the old tool shed."
• You've ever stolen a Neighborhood Watch sign to put in your yard.
• Your boots cost more than your wedding ring.
• You've ever vacationed in a rest area.
• You always thought "Guns and Roses" was something you get for your anniversary.
• You proposed in a Denny's.
• The passengers enter your vehicle through the driver's-side door.
• You had to hitchhike on your honeymoon.
• You think "Chablis" is the name of last month's Playboy centerfold.
• You save cooking grease in a coffee can.
• You inherited a Styrofoam cooler.
• There's no cutoff age for sleeping with your parents.
• Your doghouse and your living room both have the same shag carpet.
• You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
• You've ever had to move a car seat to make love.
• You're familiar with Copenhagen but have never heard of Denmark.
• Your favorite restaurant has a gas pump in front of it.
• You think a stock tip is advice on wormin' your hogs.
• You don't have a home phone.
• You think "Ross Perot" is how your cousin Ross got out of jail early.
• You think "trash TV" is something in your backyard.

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Last modified: November 26, 1997