You might be a Redneck if ...

• Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
• Your grandmother, mother, and wife all have kids the same age.
• You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
• Your bar tab always equals your paycheck.
• The liquor store knows you by your first name.
• You run out of beer and your friends go home.
• Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
• You videotape fishing shows.
• You've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberately.
• You get homesick watching cops.
• You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
• You've ever eaten out of a minnow bucket.
• You always answer the door with a baseball bat in your hand.
• You move to another state so you can buy beer on Sundays.
• You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
• Your hood ornament used to be a bowling trophy.
• You've ever been arrested for loitering.
• You own half of a pick-up truck.
• Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
• You have your own private booth at the Dairy Queen.
• You've totaled every car you've owned.
• The strongest smell in your house is butane.
• You panicked when Sears discontinued its catalog.
• There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the floorboard of your car.
• There is a hot water bottle hanging from your shower curtain.
• Your clothesline has at least two splices in it.
• A full moon remonds you of your mother-in-law pullin' weeds.
• There are more than 4 hats in the rear window of your car.
• You've never paid for a haircut.
• You give "chinette" as a wedding present.
• Your kids trip over the Christmas lights while hunting for Easter eggs.
• Three-fourths of all the clothes you own have logos on them.
• When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the
• Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is how to lose them.
• Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end."
• You can't marry your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
• You've ever laid rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
• Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
• You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
• You've ever towed another car using panty hose and duct tape.
• Your coat of arms features a tire iron.
• You own a denim leisure suit.
• You use Armor-All on your leather jacket.
• Your spare tire is a cement block.
• The UFO hotline limits you to one call per day.
• Your spring wardrobe mostly involves using scissors.
• Your tires are worth more than your truck.
• You tried to claim "loss of teeth" as an exemption on your taxes.
• Your daddy's legacy is a gun rack and Jerry Clower's autograph on a Stuckey's napkin.
• You bought your best pair of shoes off the impulse rack by the register.
• You think beef jerky and Moonpies are two of the major food groups.
• You take out a home improvement loan to buy a new camper shell.
• You and six of your neighbors split a cable bill.
• Jack Daniel makes your list of most admired people.
• You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
• You have a sign on your front door explaining house rules and liability.
• People don't recognize your car without a dead animal on the hood.
• Your mailbox holds up one end of your clothesline.
• You participate in the "Who can spit tobacco the farthest?" contest.
• You know of at least 6 different ways to bend the bill of a baseball cap.

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Last modified: November 26, 1997