You might be a Redneck if ...

• You think the Yellow Pages have something to do with training a puppy.
• You have season tickets for the tractor pull.
• You refer to your van as "The Love Machine."
• Your family talks just like professional wrestlers.
• You have Mason jars filled with stuff the FBI can't identify.
• You sell rabbits out of your car.
• Your Uncle Bob died peeing on an electric fence.
• Your new sofa was on a curb in another part of town yesterday.
• Your idea of water conservation is moving your Saturday night bath to every other Saturday.
• You think espresso means 8 items or less.
• You've never stayed in a hotel without stealing something.
• All of your relatives' cars have "Tag Stolen" signs in the rear window.
• Your hunting dog fetches more beer than birds.
• You keep a pellet gun by the front door.
• You think "recycling" means going home from work.
• Your truck is insured by Smith & Wesson.
• You sweep up the rice at the wedding and serve it at the reception.
• You wet the bed and four other people immediately know it.
• Your daddy has ever said, "You kids run down to the dump and see what they left."
• A night on the town includes city jail.
• Your flashlight holds more than four batteries.
• You eat a bowl of beans in order to take a bubble bath.
• There is a puddle in your driveway year-round.
• You've ever read the entire Sunday paper sitting in the bathroom.
• You have orange road cones in your living room.
• You've ever watched the game warden through your scope.
• You get your oil changed by your barber.
• Your car wakes people up when you drive down the street.
• You can field dress a deer, but can't change a diaper.
• Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
• You check your shirt to spell your name.
• You think that anyone with ten fingers and ten toes is abnormal.
• You need one more hole punched in your card before you get a "freebie" at the House of Tattoos.
• You have a personal account of a UFO sighting.
• You think a hard drive is driving more than one hour.
• You've ever taken a generator and a 27-inch TV camping.
• You help booby trap your family's marijuana crop.
• You have ever made a frog-gigging spear.
• The last time you saw your daddy outside, he was picking up trash, chained to three other guys.
• Your mother's only shoes are house slippers.
• Your sewage system consists of a pipe down a hillside.
• You wear knee-high stockings with a skirt.
• You follow the tractor pull circuit.
• You have more electronic equipment in your truck than in your house.
• Your primary income involves pigs or manure.
• Your best sofa came out of a Chevrolet.
• Your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby due to an alien abduction.
• You've ever gotten into a fist fight over a bowling score.
• You're a member of the "Chaw of the Month Club."
• Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
• You've ever been hunting on a tractor.
• Your yard has more than 10 ceramic figurines.
• You think the ultimate beauty treatment is using Preparation-H to prevent wrinkles.
• You must go through more than 2 gates to get to your home.
• You've never seen a film with subtitles.
• You own a pair of cut-offs made from double-knit pants.
• You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
• You've ever talked back to characters on the movie screen.
• You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
• Your kids hide the Easter eggs under cow patties.

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Last modified: November 26, 1997