You might be a Redneck if ...

• You have three first names.
• Your family business requires a lookout.
• Your wife answers to "Cuz."
• You have to take the entire day off work to get your teeth cleaned.
• Anything outside the Lower 48 is "overseas."
• Your husband chews the same brand of tobacco as your mother-in-law.
• You've ever hollered, "You kids quit playing on that sheet metal."
• Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.
• You've ever rolled your riding lawn mower.
• You cried the day your son tapped his first keg.
• You repair your styrofoam cooler with duct tape and bubblegum.
• Drying your clothes depends on the weather.
• The cockroaches left you a note saying, "Clean this place up!"
• Someone says that your mother wears army boots and you say, "So?"
• You can eat a McDonald's cheeseburger in one bite.
• Your best linens have Property of Motel 6 printed on them.
• You have to honk your horn when pulling into your driveway to keep from killing chickens.
• You've ever worn camouflage pants to church.
• You think that safe sex is when the participants are married to each other.
• You have eight cars and still have to bum a ride to work.
• The original color of your carpet is an unsolved mystery.
• The hood of your truck is higher than the roof of your house.
• Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
• Your idea of a big Saturday night is drinking beer and burning trash.
• You know how to milk a goat.
• Your local funeral home has a neon sign in the window.
• Your dog goes "oink."
• You write off a radiator as a business expense.
• For your aniversary you take your wife to dinner at the Wal-Mart snack bar.
• You've ever hollered, "Rock the house, Bubba!" during a piano recital.
• Your kids' favorite bedtime story is "Curious George and the High Voltage Fence."
• Your watchband is wider than any book you've ever read.
• You know who is actually leading the Winston Cup series.
• You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
• Your favorite beer company cannot afford to advertise.
• You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
• You time your belches to achieve a personal best.
• Your new job promotion means the company foots the bill to have your name sewn on your shirts.
• The fountain at your wedding spewed beer instead of champagne.
• Your favorite restaurant has the word "eats" anywhere in the name.
• There's graffiti on the bathroom wall in your own house.
• You have grease under your toenails.
• Your idea of a romantic evening is sharing the same spit cup with your girlfriend at a tractor pull.
• The most common phrase you hear at your family reunion is "What the hell are you lookin' at, Diphead?"
• Your best coon hound gets a birthday present and your wife doesn't.
• Your mother has more chest hair than your father.
• You think Champho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
• You think a manicure is some kind of French doctor.
• Your mama saves aluminum foil.
• You have more than two brothers names Bubba or Junior.
• You clean your house with a water hose.
• During your wedding ceremony the minister said, "Do you, DeWayne, take Connie to be your old lady?"
• The game warden knows the serial numbers to your guns by heart.
• You pawned your grandfather's pocket watch because you needed beer money for the weekend.
• You took your coon dogs on your honeymoon.
• You drive across town to see a car wreck.
• It's impossible to see food stains on the fabric of your work uniform.

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Last modified: November 26, 1997