You might be a Redneck if ...

• You develop a 1 to 10 warning system for your gas attacks.
• You prefer to walk the excess length off your jeans rather than hem them.
• You can name the entire cast of The Dukes of Hazzard, but not your congressman.
• The primary color of your car is Bond-O.
• You list tick removal as a skill on your resume.
• Your mounted deer head sports a baseball cap and sunglasses.
• Your bra size is higher than your S.A.T. score.
• Directions to your house include "turn off the paved road."
• The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
• You can't spell your name without looking at your belt.
• You have to dress up the kids to go to K-mart.
• You think the Battle of the Bulge is an argument between your wife and mother.
• You've ever had to turn your truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
• You view duct tape as a long-term investment.
• The last thing you read was a syphilis pamphlet at the clinic.
• You think the Bud Bowl is real.
• Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
• You think the Super Bowl is a top of the line bathroom fixture.
• Every workday ends with the same argument about who gets to ride in the cab of the truck.
• No matter which side of the track you live on, it's the wrong side.
• There is the equivalent of 3 large orders of fries scattered on the floorboard of your car.
• The "Save Naugahyde" protection group chooses your house as a picket site.
• You get your daily requirement of fiber from toothpicks.
• You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
• Your and your wife's family reunion are one and the same.
• You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
• During your wedding ceremony the minister said, "Do you, DeWayne, take Connie to be your old lady?"
• You can drink beer through your nose.
• You wore a three-day growth of beard before Don Johnson.
• Your TV remote control is your son Junior.
• Someone asks to see your marriage license and you have to dig through the back floorboard of the G.T.O.
• You've ever paid for a 6-pack of beer with pennies.There are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block.
• You have a Bud Light pool-table light hanging over your dining room table.
• You think paprika is a Third World country.
• You ask the preacher, "How's it hanging?"
• You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
• You have a bumper sticker that says, "My mother's an honor student" at the local junior high.
• You think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeuvre.
• You played the banjo in your high school band.
• The velvet paintings in your house were bought from an art dealer on the side of the highway.
• You have no hubcaps on your car because you're using them to feed your hunting dogs.
• You can't visit relatives without getting mud on your tires.
• Your mother doesn't put on shoes to go grocery shopping.
• You've ever been blacklisted by a bowling alley.
• You honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
• Anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon container.
• You don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much.
• You've ever been to a wedding reception at the Waffle House.
• Your dog has ever brought home something that you cooked for dinner.
• You've ever caught bugs just so you could throw them in the bug zapper.
• You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.

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Last modified: November 26, 1997