Oldies...

What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
About five drinks.
What's the best thing to come out of a dick?
The wrinkles.
Why did the guy call his dog Herpes?
Because he wouldn't heel.
How can you tell a Delorean driving down the street?
The white line disappears.
What kind of tires does a Delorean have?
Snow tires.
What are the first words Adam spoke to Eve?
Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets.
What do you call a Filipino contortionist?
A Manila folder.
When a man and a woman get married they need a marriage license. What do Lesbians need?
A Licker License.
Why do woman have more problems with hemorrhoids than men?
Because God made man the perfect asshole.
Why did God create woman?
Because sheep can't cook.
Why did God invent the climax?
So that morons would know when to stop screwing.
What two things in the air can make a woman pregnant?
Her legs.
What do you get when you cross a rooster with M&Ms?
A cock that melts in your mouth.
What's the difference between a pervert and a kinky person?
A kinky person uses a feather and a pervert uses the whole chicken.
What's the definition of gross?
When you open your refrigerator, and the rump roast farts at you.
What's the definition of 'Endless Love?'
Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.
What do you get when you cross a princess and a computer?
A machine that never goes down on you.
What's a princess' favorite wine?
'I wanna go to Palm Springs!'
How do you know if a princess has an orgasm?
She drops her nail file.
What's the difference between a princess and Jell-O?
Jell-O moves when you eat it.
Why does Hellen Keller have yellow legs?
Her dog is blind too.
How do you tell if you have bad acne?If a blind man can read your face.
Did you hear about the new deodorant called Umpire?
It's for foul balls.
How do you circumcise a whale?
Send down four skin divers.
What do you get when you cross a moron with a mobster?
A guy who makes you an offer you can't understand.
Why did the police take the 911 emergency number off the back of their cars?
Morons kept stealing them thinking they were Porsches.
Why aren't cowboys circumcised?
So they have someplace to keep their Skoal when they eat.
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
He was dead.
How do you make a baby float?
One root beer and two scoops baby.
How does a princess do it doggie style?
Makes him beg for an hour.
What did the worm say to the caterpillar?
What did you do to get that fur coat?
What's the difference between a woman's track team and a tribe of smart pigmies?
The pygmies are a tribe of cunning runts.
How are a moped and a fat lady similar?
They are both fun to ride, but you don't want your friends to see you.
What's the best thing to give an 80 year old woman?
Mikey, 'cause he'll eat anything.
Why don't pygmies use tampons?
They keep stepping on the string.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do spaghetti and women have in common?
They both wriggle when you eat them.
What's the difference between mono and herpes?
You get mono from snatching a kiss.
If our ancestors came over on a boat, how did herpes come over?
The Captain's dinghy.
Why is pubic hair curly?
If it was straight, it would poke your eyes out.
What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?
A piece of ass that will bring tears to your eyes.
What do you call a cow that's playing with himself?
Beef Strokenoff.
What's green and red and goes 200 miles an hour?
A frog in a blender.
What's green and smells like pork?
Kermit's finger.
What's old and wrinkled and smells like Ginger?
Fred Astaire's face.
Why don't morons eat M&Ms?
They have a hard time peeling them.
What's the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist?
One looks up your family tree, while the other looks up the family bush.
Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
'Cause cowboys eat with their hats on.
What's black and crispy and comes on a stick?
Joan of Arc.
What's the definition of virginity?
A big issue over a little tissue.
Why haven't they cremated Colonel Sanders yet?
They can't decide whether to do him regular or extra crispy.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Their fingers are so big.
How was copper wire invented?
Two cheapskates fighting over a penny.
Why did the elephant wear tennies?
Because elevenies were too big.
What do you get when you cross a rooster with peanut butter?
A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow?
So he wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.
Why does Hellen Keller masturbate with only one hand?
So she can moan with the other.
What do you call a princess' water bed?
The Dead Sea.
Why do morons keep their fly open?
In case they want to count to eleven.
What would Princess Grace be doing if she were alive today?
Scratching on the lid of her coffin.
What's the difference between OOOH and AAAHHH?
About six inches.
Did you hear the one about the woman in San Francisco who was attached by three men?
Two held her down while the third did her hair.
What's the difference between a hog and a man?
A hog doesn't have to sit in a bar and buy drinks all night just to screw some pig.
What's brown and has holes in it?
Swiss shit.
Did you hear about the moron who picked his nose apart?
He wanted to see what made it run.
What's the definition of a cad?
A man who doesn't tell his wife he's sterile until after she gets pregnant.
What do they call children born in whorehouses?
Brothel sprouts.
What do you call a midget psychic who just committed a crime?
A small medium at large.
What's green and makes holes?
A drill pickle.
What's a princess' favorite position?
Facing Bloomingdale's.
What's a princess' idea of natural childbirth?
No make-up.
Why do princess' close their eye during sex?
So they can pretend they are shopping.
What does a princess do during a nuclear attack?
Get out the tanning lotion.
Did you hear how the moron hockey team drowned?
Spring training.
How do you break a moron's finger?
Hit him in the nose.
Did you hear about the moron who went out and bought four new snow tires?
They melted on the way home.
Did you hear about the moron who lost $50 on the football game?
$25 on the play and $25 on the instant replay.
What do you call a pervert with 1500 girlfriends?
A shepherd.
Why do farts smell?
So deaf people can appreciate them too.
What goes, "Marc, Marc"?
A dog with a hair lip.
What goes "Nort, Nort"?
A bull with a cleft palate.
What did the moron do before going to the cock fight?
Greased his zipper.
Did you hear about the moron who couldn't spell?
He spent the night in a warehouse.
Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?
They don't have balls to scratch.
How can you tell if a women is wearing pantyhose?
If her ankles swell when she farts.
Why is it so great to be a test tube baby?
You get a womb with a view.
What did Grace Kelly have that Natalie Wood could've used?
A good stroke.
Who taught Grace Kelly how to drive?
Ted Kennedy.
What's blue and sings alone?
Dan Aykroid.
What do you get when you cross a deer and a pickle?
A dildo
What do tupperware and a walrus have in common?
They both like a tight seal.
What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when it hits your windshield?
Its' butt.
What do you do when you come across an elephant?
Wipe it off.
What do you get when you mix holy water with castor oil?
A religious movement.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal therometer?
The taste.
Did you hear about the new designer condoms?
They're called Sergio Prevente.
What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
Gonorrhea.
What's yellow and green, has cookie crumbs all over it, lies on the side of the road and stinks?
A dead girl scout.
What has orange hair, big feet, and comes out of a test tube?
Bozo the Clone.
Why can't you go to the bathroom at a Beatles concert?
There's no John.
Where does virgin wool come from?
From sheep the herders can't catch.
What did Helen Keller consider oral sex?
A manicure.
Why are electric trains like woman's tits?
They were originally intended for children, but it's the fathers that play with them.
What's brown and fuzzy and lays in the forest?
Smokey the Hooker.
What does Pontiac stand for?
Poor old nitwit thinks it's a Cadillac.
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Richard Pryor?
Richard Pryor got burned by coke, and Michael Jackson got burned by Pepsi.
What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche owner?
With a porcupine, the prick's on the outside.
Why do woman have such big tits and tight pussies?
Because men have such big mouths and small dicks.
Why did they take John Wayne toilet paper off the market?
Because it was ruff and tough and didn't take shit off of anyone.
What kind of shampoo does Michael Jackson use?
Head and Smolders.
What are the qualifications of being a girlfriend of a Hell's Angel?
You have to be able to suck start a Harley.
What do 7' basketball players do in the off season?
Go to the movies and sit in front of you.
What do Loretta Switt and Richard Pryor have in common?
They both had major burns on their face.
What do Michael Jackson and the Dodgers have in common?
They both have one glove on their hand for no apparent reason.
Why did the moron snort Nutrasweet?
He thought it was diet coke.
What would we have had if Mondale and Ferraro were elected?
Three boobs in office.
How long is a hare on a rabbit?
About 10 seconds.
What company is the leading manufacturer of vibrators?
Genital Electric.
Why do moron boys have snubbed noses?
From chasing parked cars.



Last modified: October 17, 1996