Last modified: June 14, 1996
It is truly astounding what havoc students can wreak upon the
chronicles of the human race. I have pasted together the
following history of the world from genuine student bloopers
collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth
grade to college level. Read carefully and you will learn a lot.
-RL
[Editor's Note: Read carefully, and you'll see why the U.S. needs
more funding for education. :-)]
Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies, and they all wrote in
hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by
Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants
have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are
cultivated by irritation. Early Egyptian women often wore a
garment called a calasiris. It was a sheer dress which started
beneath the breasts which hung to the floor.
The pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
The Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a huge
triangular cube.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book
of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple
tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's
son?"
God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob,
son of Isaac, stole his brothers birthmark. Jacob was a
patriarch, who brought up his 12 sons to be patriarchs, but they
did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to
the Israelites.
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten
commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought
with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical
times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had three hundred wives and
seven hundred porcupines.
Later came Job, who had one trouble after another. Eventually, he
lost all his cattle and all his children and had to live alone
with his wife in the desert.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a
female moth.
One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the river
Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in the
"Iliad," by Homer. Homer also wrote the
"Oddity," in which Penelope was the last hardship that
Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written
by Homer but by another man of that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of
wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the
biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a
coral wreath.
Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people
Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going
to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee,
Brutus." Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor
subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Rome came to have too many luxuries and baths. At Roman banquets,
the guests wore garlics in their hair. They took two baths in two
days , and that's the cause of the fall of Rome. Rome was invaded
by ballbearings, and is full of fallen arches today.
Then came the Middle ages, when everyone was middle aged. King
Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived in the Age of
Shivery with brave knights on prancing horses and beautiful
women. King Harold mustarded his troops before the battle of
Hastings. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by
Bernard Shaw. And victims of the blue-bonnet plague grew boobs on
their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man
should be hanged twice for the same offense.
In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer
of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses
and also wrote literature. During this time people put on
morality plays about ghosts, goblins, virgins, and other mythical
creatures. Another story was about William Tell, who shot an
arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the
value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the
church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died
a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the
painter Dontello's interest in the female nude that made him the
father of the Renaissance.
The government of England was a limited mockery. From the womb of
Henry VIII Protestantism was born. He found walking difficult
because he had an abbess on his knee.
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she
was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops,
they all shouted "hurrah." Then her Navy went out and
defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented removeable type and the Bible. Another important
invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a
historic figure because he invented cigarettes and started
smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a
100-foot clipper.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.
Shakespeare was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his
birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of
his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all
in Islamic pentameter.
In one of Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his
situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. His mind is
filled with the filth of incestuous sheets which he pours over
every time he sees his mother. In another play, Lady Macbeth
tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his
manhood. The clown in "As You Like It" is named
Touchdown, and Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic
couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He
wrote "Donkey Hote." The next great author was John
Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife
died and he wrote "Paradise Regained."
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a
great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the
Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the
Sante Fe.
Later the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called
Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the
settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain
John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put
tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels
through the post without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats
and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs
were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won
the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented
Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were
two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin invented
electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, " a
horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in
1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became
the Father of Our Country. His farewell address was Mount Vernon.
Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure
domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the
right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's
mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he
built with his own hands. Lincoln said, "In onion there is
strength."
Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from
Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also
freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and
got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture
show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly
insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.
Voltair invented electricity and also wrote a book called
"Candy." Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is
chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when the apples are falling off
the trees.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a
large number of children. In between he practiced on an old
spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to
the present.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was
Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English.
He was very large.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he
wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when
everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later
died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was
accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon.
During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were
trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down
from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon wanted
an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness,
she couldn't have any children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British
Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen
Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years.
She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the
final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started
reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a
network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the
McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis
Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a
naturalist who wrote the "Organ of the Species." Madman
Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx
brothers.
The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck
by an anahist ushered in a new error in the anals of human
history.
Last modified: June 14, 1996