Some camping tips...

by Bruce Cochran; from the Sept. `96 issue of Backpacker:

• When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
• Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.
• Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire.
• When smoking a fish, never inhale.
• A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.
• You'll never be awakened by the call of a loon if you have an unlisted number.
• The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges.
• Steer clear of those named for landfills.
• Acupuncture was invented by a camper who found a porcupine in his sleeping bag.
• While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.
• Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.
• Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.
• You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.
• You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
• The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan veterinarians.
• When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.
• You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.
• Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.
• A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.
• A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish.
• A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.
• You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then breathing on a pile of dry sticks.
• In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.
• The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.
• A large carp can be used for a pillow.
• Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be warn camping. Buy only those that read "Beat on a rock in stream."
• The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
• It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.
• Effective January 1, 1997, you will actually have to enlist in the Swiss Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.
• Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.
• A great deal of hostility can be released by using newspaper photos of politicians for toilet paper.
• In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.

Last modified: 11/26/1997